felt so much passionate hate and a sense of enormous betrayal for a person that you want nothin more than to fucken murk the shit outta their goddamn face, and brutally and maliciously stab, shank, slice, butcher and do many other terrifyingly violent things to that person. Call them every soul crushing ego deteriorating word you can think of. A hate so vial that you cringe at the sound of the name and have instant flashbacks of how great a friendship you guys had and all the fond memories you shared with thus person and then think of what they did to fuck it all up and over...ruining a good amount of your life and a point in your day.
THEN...Then...
your thoughts kind of sink in and you get saddened with the fact that that person was so dear and near to you and you were best of friends and always together. The great secrets you with hell in your heart, knowing you couldn't tell anybody else but the ones in your small circle of best friends because anyone else would think you were a crazy saint worshiper or summ shizz...but anyways. And then you think, wish, hope, dream, or just ponder the thought of how lovely and right it would be to go back in time and fix things or fix them now. how amazing it would be to have all you had again, those crazy nights, things that you most likely will never relive. But deep down,in your heart, and imprinted in the back of your brain, right beside those thoughts, you know that could never ever fucken happen.
You know everything happens for a reason {maybe} and it just wouldnt work out, even if you tried to fix it. but you want to sooo desperately because of all the things you went through.
But after that person changed, you know theres no going back. no going back ever...



SO , YEA, thats about what i go through any given day.
and it just happened again....shit.

I really reallyy dont like when people go bipolar on me or say something but then blow up on me even if they said they were fine with it in the first place. i dont like backstabbing. and i dont like being related to other peoples actions while being under the influence of anything.
I dont like holding on tp the past either but i cant help it, the past is like a shackle & weight attached to my life, it never goes away and im always thinking of it. I can never let go of the past, especially this, I do want to let go, you have no clue, but what my fucked up mind has permanently made space for are those very memories that i get such a fucken rush of emotions for.
and hell yea it sucks nigguh!
but,
I am my own goddamn motherfucken person.
and i dont like when people get mad at me for something that other people they know and associate with do.

I act on my own decisions, best you better fucken believe.

kay, that was my mind spew for the week....

WHY YES I AM VERY EMOTIONAL SLIGHTLY SCHITZOPHRENIC AND MAYBE A TAD BIT BIPOLAR....Including the person who talks to you in your head..even if you dont want them to...